Is He The One?

Are butterflies overrated? Retrospective questions I would ask myself.

I wrote this piece in 2022 and rediscovered it today. It’s not about travel, but it seems share-worthy anyway.

A few days ago, over watermelon margaritas, a young woman I know commented that she is dating a new man. She said he “checks all the boxes” but doesn’t give her butterflies. She asked if a lack of butterflies is a showstopper.

There were several long-married women and one man sitting around the table who weighed in on the importance of butterflies. Most reported their partners initially gave them butterflies though, in all cases, they had long worn off. One woman said, “I’m far too tired for butterflies.” Another, who was much older, looked wistful as she remembered the butterflies she felt when her then boyfriend ran his hand through her hair. Just the memory made her flush.

But my experience was different. I have with my partner since for over thirty years. I love him deeply and it’s a satisfying, romantic and lovely partnership. But, the truth is, he didn’t initially give me butterflies or even caterpillars. That made me anxious at the time. In retrospect, I needn’t have worried. I realize now that our romance has been much more of a slow burn.

The diverse stories and different pathways to happiness and long term love got me thinking about what questions I would have asked my twenty-five year old self to decide if he was “the one”. My best thinking happens when I have insomnia, so here is what I came up with at 3am, the night after our festive cocktails.…

1. Does he make me laugh hard enough that milk comes out of my nose?

2. When he has a peanut butter and jelly sandwich does he offer me half?

3. If he sees me carrying groceries into the house does he help? Better yet, when I go grocery shopping does he like to tag along just to be with me?

4. If we took my grandma to Walmart would he chaperone her to the feminine hygiene section to pick out incontinence pads, while I go to the deli counter to buy sandwiches?

5. Does he find your habits quirky or annoying? Does he find it charming or gross that I always have Jolly Ranchers when I fly but spit out the red ones?

6. Can we listen to a podcast about fermentation then spend a long drive discussing the happy place between fresh and rotten? Is he curious? Do we have interesting conversations?

7. Does he see the best version of who I am, and do I feel like my best self around him?

8. How long will he stand in the rain to cheer me on during a 5K?

9. Does it make me happy when we lock eyes across a room?

10. When bad and good things happen is he the first one I want to tell?

11. When he screws up, does he work hard fix things? Do I do the same?

12. And finally, no matter where I are, does it feel like home when his arms are wrapped around me?

Looking back at the beginning of my relationship and lack of butterflies, I wonder if they were simply waiting for the right habitat? Perhaps they just needed some time for the garden to grow and flowers to bloom.